North Shore Lately

Carney Returns From UAE With $70B in Vibes, Says It’s “Basically in the Mail”

ABU DHABI / OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has wrapped up his desert shopping trip with what Ottawa describes as a “historic agreement” for the United Arab Emirates to invest the equivalent of $70 billion in Canada’s “vital sectors.”

Exactly which sectors are vital will be determined later, by a blue-ribbon panel of consultants who are also widely considered vital.

---

Bring-Your-Own-Billions

According to the government, the UAE has committed to considering the possibility of investing up to $70 billion over some as-yet-undeclared number of timelines, subject to the conclusion of several memorandums of understanding, impact assessments, climate-screening frameworks, and at least one extremely inspirational press conference.

“This is real money, real projects, real jobs,” Carney said, standing in front of a screen that read:

CANADA: OPEN FOR BUSINESS (TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY).

“You can tell it’s serious because we used the word framework six times in one news release.”

Officials clarified that “up to $70 billion” is a flexible concept that could include:

• Direct investment
• Future investment
• Investment that might have happened anyway
• The theoretical value of good feelings generated by the trip

---

Math Corner: How $50B Becomes $70B

Observers noted that the UAE itself talked about investing up to US$50 billion in Canada, which somehow turned into $70 billion in Canadian government communications.

“Look, have you seen the exchange rate?” explained one senior official, speaking on background from a hotel lobby decorated entirely in marble and LED waterfalls. “You convert to Canadian dollars, then add GST, optimism, and a modest rounding error. Bam. Seventy.”

Economists say the exact number doesn’t matter because none of the money has actually been spent yet, which places it in the same asset class as your friend’s startup that is “pre-revenue but post-vibes.”

---

Critical Minerals Now 37% More Critical

Carney also announced Ottawa is working on a $1-billion project to expand Canada’s critical minerals processing capacity, which is different from previous announcements about critical minerals because this one has an additional adjective.

“We used to have minerals,” Carney told the Canada-UAE Business Council. “Now they’re critical. Soon they’ll be super-critical and that’s when the PowerPoints really start to sing.”

No one is entirely sure where this new processing facility will go, but sources say the shortlist includes:

• “Somewhere near existing infrastructure”
• “A region that really needs jobs”
• “Whichever riding currently looks sweatiest in the polls”

---

Canada: We Have What the World Wants, We Just Need to Find It

Carney’s sales pitch to Emirati investors reportedly centered on Canada’s vast storehouse of things people vaguely agree are good: clean energy, minerals, AI talent, and very polite regulatory hurdles.

“Canada has what the world wants,” Carney repeated, “we just need a few years, a dozen environmental reviews, three Indigenous benefit agreements, and a full cabinet retreat in Tofino to decide exactly how you’re allowed to want it.”

One UAE delegate, asked what drew them to Canada, replied:

> “You have stability, rule of law, and a government so desperate to announce investment that they will gladly count our frequent-flyer miles as FDI.”

---

The Clause You Definitely Shouldn’t Read Closely

The investment is being wrapped in a shiny new pact on the “promotion and protection of foreign investment,” which in practice means:

• Promotion: Canada will host more receptions with tiny sliders and maple leaf lapel pins.
• Protection: If any future government gets uppity about climate, labour standards, or local jobs, investor–state dispute settlement is waiting in the wings, humming ominously.

“This agreement will give investors confidence,” said a federal official. “Some might say too much confidence, but those people don’t get invited on the trade mission.”

---

Everyday Canadians React

Back home, reactions ranged from cautiously optimistic to “wait, didn’t we just spend five years talking about foreign influence?”

• A worker in northern Ontario asked if any of the $70 billion might show up as an actual mine, with an actual shift schedule.
• A Vancouver renter asked if “vital sectors” includes “building literally any housing a human can afford.”
• An Alberta oil worker wondered if the plan is to shut down Canadian fossil projects and then invite a petrostate to invest in our clean energy, just for the irony.

When asked on CBC whether Canadians should believe the money is real, a government spokesperson replied:

> “It’s as real as any other global capital flow contingent on market conditions, regulatory certainty, and the continued existence of the planet. So yes, extremely real.”

---

Coming Soon: Shovels, Eventually

Groundbreaking on the first major project is expected “as early as next year,” according to officials, who declined to specify which year.

In the meantime, the government is calling on Canadians to do their part by:

1. Liking the announcement on social media, which helps convert memorandums of understanding into shovels in the ground at a rate of one emoji per quarter-percent of GDP.
2. Reassuring their skeptical relatives that “this is totally different from every other big investment announcement that vanished into a PDF.”
3. Remaining upbeat, because markets can sense fear.

“Today’s announcement shows Canada is back on the world stage,” Carney concluded, boarding his flight home. “And if all goes according to plan, some of this money might even make it past the press release.”

In a groundbreaking move for expectations management, the B.C. government has unveiled its newest climate strategy: lowering the bar on its CleanBC plan until virtually any outcome can be declared a historic success.

Officials insist this is not backing down on climate action, but rather a “modernization of ambition” calibrated to the realities of approving LNG projects while still wanting to look good in campaign brochures.

> “British Columbians asked us for realistic climate goals,” said a government spokesperson. “We heard them, and we thought: what’s more realistic than a goal we’re already accidentally meeting?”

The Bar, Now Adjustable

At a carefully stage-managed announcement on the lawn of the Legislature, the NDP rolled out an actual metal bar mounted on telescoping legs.

“This is the CleanBC Bar™,” the spokesperson explained, as staffers in hi-vis vests cranked it steadily downward. “In 2018 we set it here”—they gestured somewhere above their head—“because we believed in bold action and thought nobody would ever check the math.

“Unfortunately, people started checking the math.”

To address that problem, the government has decided to stop losing to physics and start winning at optics.

From now on, each time an emissions target looks “challenging,” the bar will be lowered by one notch and rebranded as “updated to reflect evolving conditions.” A small plaque beside the bar reads: “Science-based, in the sense that gravity is involved.”

CleanBC Rebranded: Now With 40% Less Expectations

The climate roadmap formerly known as CleanBC has been quietly re-released as CleanBC Flex – a dynamic, “living” plan that evolves in real time as targets crumble.

CleanBC Flex features:

• Adaptive Targets – Emissions goals that automatically shift from “binding” to “aspirational” the moment someone opens Excel.
• Sectoral Hide-and-Seek – Some sectors may temporarily vanish from the target table “for further study” until such time as they become less embarrassing.
• Retroactive Victory Mode – If emissions go up, the baseline year will be moved down until the chart slope looks “generally victory-ish.”

“British Columbians are tired of rigid, old-fashioned climate plans where targets mean something,” said the spokesperson. “We’re proud to introduce a modern plan where the targets are more like vibes.”

New Math for a New Era

Under the updated approach, several innovative accounting techniques will help the province remain “on track”:

• Emissions produced outside B.C. to extract, liquefy, ship or burn B.C.–linked fossil fuels will now be categorized as “Out-of-Scope Feelings.”
• Any increase in emissions caused by new LNG projects may be offset by the “Optimism Factor,” a proprietary metric based on the number of times the word “clean” appears in press releases.
• If all else fails, emissions will simply be relabelled as “molecules of opportunity.”

When asked whether approving new fossil fuel infrastructure while claiming climate leadership was contradictory, officials disagreed.

“Not at all,” one said. “It’s called a balanced approach. On one side of the scale, you have climate commitments. On the other side, you have money. The scale is working exactly as intended.”

Targets Crumble, Messaging Soars

Communications staff were quick to stress that while the numerical targets may be softening, the government’s climate messaging has never been stronger.

“We remain 100% committed to saying all the right things,” said a senior advisor, standing in front of a backdrop that read WORLD-LEADING CLIMATE ACTION in 300-point font.

“Climate leadership isn’t just about emissions,” they added. “It’s about using phrases like ‘world-leading’ and ‘nation-leading’ so often that people feel something must be happening.”

The advisor pointed to several recent accomplishments:

• A glossy climate progress report printed on recycled paper.
• New stock photos for the government website featuring wind turbines at golden hour.
• A sincere commitment to “continue exploring” policies that might one day reduce emissions theoretically, in principle, in a discussion paper.

Great News for Future Generations (of Governments)

Under the new, more “flexible” framework, any serious consequences of missed 2030 climate targets will be handled by:

1. The government of 2031,
2. Or possibly the government of 2040,
3. Or, ideally, the federal government.

“We remain firmly committed to doing something big by 2050,” the spokesperson reassured reporters. “Specifically, by 2050 we promise to begin a robust consultation process on what we should have done by 2030.”

Children born today will grow up under this plan, reaching adulthood just in time to be told that, regrettably, the best window for action was “a while back, actually,” but that the province is now “exploring exciting new adaptation opportunities in the seawall scuba tourism sector.”

Opposition Outraged They Didn’t Think of It First

Opposition parties condemned the move to weaker climate targets, calling it “transparent political maneuvering” and “an attempt to dress up failure as flexibility.”

Off the record, however, several strategists were seen admiring the tactic.

“Imagine being able to just… move the bar whenever you don’t clear it,” sighed one. “We’ve been working so hard on things like policy and alternatives, when we could have just redefined success.”

British Columbians React

Reaction from the public was mixed:

• Climate advocates described the move as “like promising to run a marathon, getting winded in the driveway, and then declaring victory because technically you did move forward.”
• Industry representatives praised the changes as “a pragmatic recognition that the atmosphere will understand.”
• Average residents expressed confusion. “So are we on track or not?” one North Shore local asked. “The government says we are, the scientists say we aren’t, and my basement says sea level rise is winning.”

Coming Soon: CleanBC Ultra-Lite

Insiders say the lowered bar may only be the beginning. If emissions continue to rise, the province is reportedly considering:

• CleanBC Ultra-Lite – A version of the plan focused entirely on inspiring social media content and a robust sticker program.
• CleanBC Home Edition – Households can offset their personal emissions by simply forwarding a strongly worded email to Ottawa.
• CleanBC Legacy – A commemorative series of plaques marking where glaciers used to be, inscribed with encouraging phrases like “We Tried Some What.”

At the end of the announcement, staff gave one final crank to the CleanBC Bar™. It settled just a few inches off the ground, well within step-over range.

“See?” said the spokesperson, gingerly lifting a foot over it. “In B.C., we don’t lower our climate ambitions.

We make them achievable.”

WEST VANCOUVER — After years of careful study, consultation, and quietly stepping around the evidence, West Vancouver council has finally found the courage (and $28,000) to take on the greatest existential threat to community harmony: Canada geese.

The emergency declaration came after repeated reports of “unsanctioned goose loafing” in Ambleside Park — a crime against humanity that has apparently shaken the district to its foundations.

“Something must be done,” declared Councillor Christine Cassidy, moments before slamming her binder shut and demanding “permanent solutions” to the honking menace. “New Brunswick solved this. They loaded their geese into a truck and sent them where they’re never going to fly again,” she said, to the sound of horrified silence and one nervous honk from the gallery.

Mayor Mark Sager reportedly tried to intervene, suggesting the district “try lasers, decoys, or polite letters first,” but Cassidy was already googling the phrase “humane avian relocation contractor with access to flatbed.”

The Goose Budget

• $12,000 for a “moulting and nesting survey” — believed to involve watching the geese “very sternly.”
• $16,000 for “management tools” — possibly a leaf blower, a whistle, or Cassidy herself with a clipboard.
• $1,000 for “understanding how to make goose poop more palatable to black labs as they will hoover up everything, except goose poo.”

The district hopes the measures will reduce “poop-related incidents” by at least 3% by 2030 — assuming the geese don’t unionize first.

Special Recognition

Council later voted to create a new Christine Cassidy Award for Bravery in the Face of Waterfowl, to be presented annually to anyone who so much as hisses back.
Cassidy, when informed she was the inaugural winner, reportedly asked if the trophy could be “made from a former full-time resident goose.”

VICTORIA — Premier David Eby this week dismissed Alberta’s plan for a taxpayer-backed oil pipeline to the northwest coast as “not a real project.” But observers were quick to note that “not a real project” is actually the B.C. NDP’s signature achievement since forming government.

Indeed, the list of “not real projects” completed under the NDP is long, distinguished, and surprisingly expensive.

Among the highlights:

• The $789 Million Museum of Nothing: Once billed as a “world-class cultural attraction,” the new Royal B.C. Museum replacement was famously scrapped mid-shovel, leaving behind only some artist renderings, a few half-filled holes in the ground, and an official ribbon-cutting for the concept of “heritage.”
• The Broadway Subway to the Middle of Nowhere: Originally announced to connect to UBC, the project currently terminates at Arbutus, where a commemorative plaque explains that future generations may one day imagine what it would have been like to actually ride a train to campus.
• The $500,000 Elk-Kamloops Bullet Train Feasibility Study: A visionary proposal to connect Elk Falls to Kamloops in under 17 minutes. The only deliverable was a PowerPoint slide that read “Too Expensive. But Imagine.”
• The Wet Coast LNG Fantasy League: While Alberta insists on proposing pipelines, the NDP has cornered the market in LNG facilities that exist primarily in press releases. “We don’t have an actual terminal,” said an energy ministry staffer, “but we do have a really nice logo and several sturdy binders.”
• The 10,000 Housing Units That Live in Spreadsheet Heaven: The government proudly announced it had “broken ground” on thousands of affordable homes. Sources later clarified the phrase meant “broke ground in Microsoft Excel.”

Asked why he opposed Alberta’s pipeline, Eby explained: “Real projects carry risk. Imaginary ones can’t spill oil, can’t go over budget, and look fantastic in campaign ads.”

Critics argue that this approach leaves the province without tangible infrastructure. Supporters counter that it’s part of a bold climate strategy: a B.C. where no physical project is ever completed, thereby eliminating all emissions from construction.

As for the pipeline, Eby concluded: “If Premier Smith wants to learn how to build not-real projects, she’s welcome to visit Victoria. We’ve got years of experience cutting ribbons for things that don’t exist.”

VICTORIA — Premier David Eby called it “completely absurd” that B.C. softwood lumber is facing higher U.S. tariffs than Russian exports, though observers noted absurdity has been U.S. trade policy’s guiding principle since at least 2017.

The new 10% tariff on softwood lumber pushes total duties on B.C. exports to over 45%—a number chosen, according to White House insiders, because it “just sounded like a really good golf score.”

But lumber isn’t the only thing in Uncle Sam’s crosshairs. According to documents leaked from the U.S. Trade Expansion Act office (which is now headquartered inside a Bass Pro Shop), tariffs are also being slapped on a wide variety of “national security threats” from British Columbia, including:

• Nanaimo bars — Declared “suspiciously soft in the middle” and a risk to American waistlines.
• BC Salmon — Allegedly “too smug-looking” when compared to Alaskan salmon.
• Craft beer from East Van — Tariffed after a congressional subcommittee tried to read the tasting notes out loud and couldn’t keep a straight face.
• Lululemon yoga pants — Classified as “a form of psychological warfare” against U.S. sweatpants manufacturers.
• BC Bud (the other kind) — Cited as a threat to “the stability of U.S. college dorm productivity.”
• Granola from Kitsilano — Too crunchy to ignore, too gluten-free to trust.

Forests Minister Ravi Parmar called the measures “ludicrous,” though he admitted the Lululemon thing was kind of fair.

Meanwhile, President Trump defended the tariffs during a rally in Ohio:

“Why would we buy wood from Canada when Russia has so many beautiful forests? The best forests, incredible forests—Putin showed me pictures of him frolicking in them shirtless, beautiful.”

Back in B.C., Eby urged Ottawa to “prioritize lumber” in negotiations but conceded the U.S. may be immovable. “They’re already planning tariffs on rainfall in the Columbia River basin—apparently Canadian streams and rivers are ‘flooding American rivers without proper documentation.’”

VICTORIA — B.C. Conservative Leader John Rustad, fresh off a 70% leadership review that political scientists now classify as “barely a passing grade,” has decided the best way to unify his fractious party is by firing its most recognizable MLA and pretending it’s all part of the plan.

Elenore Sturko, once paraded as the rainbow feather in Rustad’s party cap, was escorted out of caucus this week carrying her belongings in the traditional cardboard box, a rite of passage in Canadian politics right up there with having your texts leaked.

Rustad said he had “no choice” but to oust Sturko for “organizing against him,” a shocking revelation given that, according to insiders, nearly every single MLA is currently organizing against him. “You can’t fire all of them,” said one party strategist. “Although we’re pretty sure Rustad is drawing up a list.”

The move came just days after the party’s internal audit revealed 2,100 fraudulent memberships in the leadership race, including two belonging to actual dead people. “It’s hard to say if they were zombies or just lifelong Conservatives,” said one bemused staffer, “but either way, they voted Rustad.”

Sturko, who had been quietly preparing to call for a non-confidence vote, said she was stunned by the hypocrisy. “I wasn’t organizing against him—at least, not as much as literally everyone else,” she clarified.

Observers say the firing leaves Rustad in a precarious position. “He’s trying to sell this as strong leadership,” said one MLA, “but really, it’s like watching someone rearrange deck chairs on a sinking canoe.”

Meanwhile, dissent within the caucus continues to bubble. Some members are openly weighing their options, while others are sharpening their political knives—though given the party’s reputation for amateurism, most expect them to stab themselves in the foot first.

As for Rustad, he remains defiant. “We need to move forward with a unified voice,” he declared. Reporters noted the phrase was met with muffled laughter, as his caucus continued plotting in plain sight behind him.

OTTAWA — Economists warn that Canada is entering a new demographic twilight zone as the last of the baby boomers retire, population growth slows, and nobody is left to shovel the walkways in West Vancouver without billing $80 an hour plus a bridge toll.

According to RBC Economics, the wave of boomer retirements will tighten the labour market, strain public finances, and—most critically—leave no one under the age of 40 to help reset the Wi-Fi in North Shore households.

“On paper, Canada’s labour market looks weak,” said one economist. “But if you’ve tried finding a plumber in Deep Cove after 4 p.m., you know the crisis is already here.”

The Birthrate Problem

Locally, the situation is dire. North Shore birthrates remain stubbornly low, as young couples struggle to justify raising children in homes smaller than a wine cellar. At the current trajectory, demographers predict that by 2030 the median age in West Vancouver will be “deceased.”

“The last recorded North Shore birth happened at Lions Gate Hospital in 2023, when a couple accidentally stayed in town during spring break instead of flying to Maui,” said one researcher.

Boomers Out, No One In

With 5.2 million boomers leaving the workforce, the country faces a shrinking labour pool. Industries like health care, agriculture, and real estate staging are already feeling the pinch.

Meanwhile, immigration caps mean Canada can’t just import more 25-year-olds with advanced degrees in AI who are willing to work for Costco wages. “We’ve relied on immigration to cover our demographic sins,” said another analyst, “but Ottawa just slammed the door shut right as the last boomer golf cart sputtered off the assembly line.”

The North Shore Solution?

• Repurposing dog walkers as substitute teachers. (“They already know how to manage packs.”)
• Issuing “youth visas” for anyone under 30 willing to live in a laneway house without complaining.
• Extending lifespans by mandating kale smoothies in all District vending machines.

But others aren’t convinced. “Even if we got everyone to have four kids starting tomorrow, those kids won’t be labour force-ready until 2045,” said one critic. “That’s far too late for my hedge-trimming needs.”

A Grim Forecast

By 2030, economists expect the Canadian labour force participation rate to fall to 63.4%. By contrast, the participation rate for North Shore retirees in book clubs, pickleball leagues, and HOA disputes is projected to hit 112%.

The ultimate irony? Economists say the boomers, who once flooded the job market and drove housing prices to absurd levels, will now leave behind both a fiscal crater and a driveway full of snow.

“Who will pay the taxes, tend the gardens, and move the patio furniture indoors?” asked one aging West Van resident. “Certainly not my children. They live in Berlin.”

OTTAWA — Canada and Indonesia have signed a new trade pact that officials are calling “a win-win for the economy and for anyone whose sinuses need a good clearing.”

Prime Minister Mark Carney, flanked by Indonesian President Joko Widodo, declared the deal historic: “Canada will supply Indonesia with responsibly mined critical minerals, and Indonesia will finally help Canadians break free from their co-dependent relationship with that plastic squeeze bottle rooster.”

For decades, Indonesia’s beloved sambal oelek — a fiery chili paste that can turn a polite meal into an endurance sport — has been overshadowed on Canadian shelves by America’s glossy green-capped Sriracha, a.k.a. “rooster sauce.” Analysts say this trade pact could shift the condiment balance of power back toward sambal, sparking what one diplomat referred to as “a red-hot renaissance.”

“Let’s be real: sambal is the OG,” said an unnamed Global Affairs Canada staffer, wiping tears from his eyes mid-bite. “It’s rustic, it’s authentic, it doesn’t need a squeeze bottle with a cartoon chicken to prove itself.”

The Trudeau-era boycott of California-made rooster sauce, sparked when bottles were spotted at a House of Commons cafeteria alongside Heinz ketchup, now looks set to intensify. Already, a grassroots movement known as Cluck Off Canada is urging citizens to pour their rooster bottles down the drain in solidarity with sambal’s return. Social media is flooded with videos of patriotic Canadians dramatically unscrewing their green caps, whispering “sorry,” and tossing them into recycling bins.

Industry insiders predict sambal oelek could see a 40% rise in market share once tariffs are lifted, potentially forcing rooster sauce into “specialty aisle exile” — the culinary equivalent of being voted off the island.

Rooster sauce loyalists, however, aren’t going down without a fight. A spokesperson for the California factory that produces Sriracha released a terse statement: “Canada and the Dutch can have their sambal. We’ll be fine. We are dominating the import aisle in Vietnam, right next to the Red Bull.”

The new pact also includes expanded opportunities for Canadian exports. In addition to lumber and beef, negotiators successfully secured duty-free access for Canada’s underappreciated ketchup chips, a cultural export Indonesians are expected to meet with the same confused curiosity Canadians reserve for durian.

Economists are already salivating. “Forget GDP,” said one Bay Street analyst. “This deal will be measured in Scoville units. We are entering the age of chili-based diplomacy.”

As the ink dries, foreign policy experts warn of one inevitable outcome: family fridges across Canada will soon become contested chili paste battlegrounds. Experts recommend Canadians stock up on antacids before the first shipments arrive.

NEW YORK — Premier David Eby has taken his finest Patagonia vest and most serious PowerPoint to New York City this week, hoping to convince Wall Street investors that B.C. isn’t just about mountains, rain, and artisanal kombucha — it’s the beating heart of the global clean-energy future.

“British Columbia has what the world needs,” Eby proclaimed confidently, “including valuable critical minerals, skilled workers, and most importantly, the ability to name-drop ‘Climate Week NYC’ without laughing.”

Selling Shiny Rocks, Canadian-Style

Eby’s sales pitch included such highlights as:

• 98% clean electricity (“We’re basically running the province on yoga mats and organic kale now”).
• Reduced mining permit timelines (“You’ll still need 47 forms, a stamp from a hereditary seagull, and a consultation with the ghost of John A. Macdonald, but we shaved off three months”).
• 19 out of 34 critical minerals (“Which means you can come for the copper and stay for the molybdenum”).

Insiders say the Premier’s PowerPoint slide on the Red Chris Mine expansion was particularly well received, especially the part where he added a clip-art rocket ship labeled “to the moon.”

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs (and Probably More Consultants)

Eby insisted this isn’t just about shiny things in the ground: “This is about good jobs, sustainable growth, and also reminding New Yorkers that Vancouver is not in Toronto.”

Aides confirmed he has already booked meetings with several “leading industry investors and decision-makers,” which, loosely translated, means three hedge fund guys who once visited Whistler and a Goldman Sachs intern who likes maple syrup.

A Generational Opportunity — Or Just Another Trade Mission?

The Premier is billing this as a “generational opportunity.” Cynics suggest it’s more of a generational slideshow, one in a long series of trade missions where B.C. leaders show up abroad, wave around some graphs about forests, fisheries, or whatever the trend is this decade, and come home with a few new LinkedIn connections.

WEST VANCOUVER — Mayor Mark Sager has officially responded to the province’s July 24th letter about housing with what can only be described as a masterclass in polite Canadian stalling: 37 pages of history lessons, bylaws, and nostalgic odes to character homes, complete with the underlying message of “Thanks, but we’ll keep doing things the West Van way.”

The letter opens with Sager’s trademark gravitas: “Dear Minister, thank you for your letter. We note its urgency, but we felt it would be rude not to consult every retiree on Marine Drive before replying.” Sources confirm the Mayor first consulted his Rolodex, a Victrola, and a séance with John Lawson before drafting the document.

Housing, But Make It Vintage

Sager outlines the district’s bold vision: preserving the city’s “unique character,” which apparently means building as few homes as possible while ensuring each one has cedar shingles hand-sanded by artisans flown in from Haida Gwaii. “Density is important,” the letter notes, “but so is the sound of silence at 8:00 p.m. sharp.”

The Lawn Defense Strategy

Perhaps the most striking portion comes where the Mayor writes: “We cannot simply pave over our residents’ lawns.” Insiders confirm a working group has already been struck to officially recognize West Van lawns as heritage sites, complete with bronze plaques reading: “This grass fought valiantly against triplexes.”

Correspondence as Infrastructure

Critics have noticed a pattern: each time the province asks for more housing, West Vancouver responds with more letters. By 2026, municipal staff may be able to stack the correspondence high enough to qualify as “gentle density.” One urban planner suggested the binders could be converted into “affordable housing for raccoons.”

Transit Options, But Make Them Quaint

The Mayor’s letter also highlights “innovative” transit alternatives to support any modest new housing. These include reviving a horse-drawn trolley to Ambleside, subsidized kayak lanes across Burrard Inlet, and a proposed gondola that only stops at select heritage homes. One draft footnote even floated the idea of a community-funded Bentley shuttle, “for seniors who find buses aesthetically incompatible.”

What’s Next?

The Mayor concluded his epic correspondence by suggesting a future “dialogue” with the province—political code for another 18 months of sternly worded letters, PowerPoint slides, and muffins served at municipal workshops. Observers note this conveniently times out to the next municipal election, when the Mayor can proudly announce, “not a single rhododendron was harmed.”

VICTORIA — Economists have confirmed what most British Columbians already suspected: private sector job growth has declined precipitously. Meanwhile, the BC public sector has been breeding like rabbits, filling every available cubicle, Zoom square, and Tim Hortons line-up across the province.

Had the private sector kept pace with pre-pandemic hiring, there would be 223,000 more jobs today. Instead, the only private sector growth industries left are government job application consultants and influencers posting how great it is to work for the government.

Public Sector: The Only Growth Industry

Since 2019, the public sector has bulked up at nearly triple its normal pace, expanding so fast that ministries are running out of titles. Recent postings include:

• Associate Deputy Assistant to the Temporary Acting Deputy Associate
• Chief Clipboard Officer (West Kootenay Region)
• Executive Director of Parking Permit Approvals

“Honestly, it’s never been a better time to want a lanyard,” said one jubilant new hire, polishing her ID badge while waiting for a workshop on how to book workshops.

Private Sector: Missing, Presumed Dead

Meanwhile, small business hiring is slower than the Shipyards ice rink line on a Sunday afternoon, while tech startups have now pivoted directly into writing grant applications instead of building products.

The Ouroboros Economy

Experts warn the trend can’t last: if the public sector keeps growing while the private sector shrinks, B.C. will become a perfect economic ouroboros — a snake devouring and being choked by its own paperwork. At this rate of growth, economists predict that by 2035 every British Columbian will work for the government, mainly to process each other’s expense claims.

OTTAWA — Mark Carney, Canada’s newest Prime Minister and former wizard of global finance, has decided that if central banks can print money, Canada can surely print houses. On Sunday, Carney announced the launch of Build Canada Homes (BCH) — a shiny new federal agency that will construct affordable housing on an industrial scale, or at least build enough PowerPoint decks about it to wallpaper a small condo.

“Canadians have waited long enough,” Carney said, while standing in front of a rendering of cheerful families frolicking in pastel townhouses that don’t actually exist. “With Build Canada Homes, we’ll build faster, cheaper, and more sustainably. Because nothing says ‘affordable’ like government modular housing on land that used to be a Canada Post parking lot.”

The Vision

The plan is simple:

1. Take $13 billion of taxpayer money.
2. Hand it to private developers.
3. Call it a revolution.

According to Carney, BCH will “cut build times by up to 50% and costs by as much as 20%” — numbers that appeared to be pulled directly from a napkin left behind at the Davos breakfast buffet.

Public-Private Utopia

“Think of it as Ikea meets the CRA,” said Housing Minister Gregor Robertson, who promised that each new home would come with an Allen key, missing screws, and a friendly bureaucrat to explain why your move-in date has been delayed until 2031.

Carney insisted the homes will be “deeply affordable,” though reporters later confirmed this means they’ll be priced just low enough for a middle-class Canadian to almost qualify for a mortgage before rates rise again.

The Dream Team

To lead this bold experiment, Carney appointed Ana Bailão — Toronto’s former housing czar who previously specialized in rebranding parking lots as “future vibrant communities.” Bailão promised BCH would deliver not just homes, but “opportunity, dignity, and mixed-income vibes.”

First Projects

The first six sites are already chosen: Dartmouth, Longueuil, Ottawa, Toronto, Winnipeg, and Edmonton. By 2027, they are expected to deliver a whopping 4,000 units — roughly enough to house Carney’s extended dinner party guest list.

Meanwhile, in Nunavut, 700 homes are planned, of which “30% will be built off-site.” What happens to the other 70% remains unclear, though sources suggest they’ll be “on backorder.”

Critics Weigh In

Skeptics say the plan is simply CMHC with a fresh coat of paint and a fancier acronym. One industry insider quipped, “It’s like launching Air Canada Homes: good luck, your unit might show up, but not on time, and definitely without your luggage.”

Still, Carney remains confident: “This isn’t just about building homes. It’s about building confidence. Canadians need to believe again — that their children might one day leave the basement.”

VICTORIA — Facing an $11.6 billion deficit, B.C. Premier David Eby has decided the province’s best hope isn’t fiscal prudence, but punchlines.

On Tuesday, Eby confirmed he had hired Vancouver comedian Charlie Demers as his new speechwriter. “The situation is serious, but that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at it,” Eby said, before attempting his first government-sanctioned zinger: “We’re cutting waste so aggressively that I’m starting to worry about my plumbing.”

The line landed with all the weight of a public-sector job application.

Opposition finance critic Peter Milobar pounced, accusing the government of “reckless stand-up spending.” “Six hundred thousand dollars for a comedian?” Milobar fumed on CBC Radio. “That’s enough to hire four healthcare workers—or buy two houses in Prince George.”

Eby pushed back, clarifying the contract was only $14,000. “That’s barely enough for a Vancouver parking ticket,” he said. “Besides, Charlie’s working part-time. He just comes in, hands me a few jokes about lumber prices, and leaves before anyone notices.”

Demers, for his part, seemed bewildered. “I thought this was a gig at Yuk Yuk’s,” he admitted. “Next thing I know, I’m punching up a speech about LNG investments. Honestly, I prefer my audiences were drunk.”

Insiders say early drafts of Eby’s new speeches include crowd-pleasers like:

• “We’re shrinking the deficit faster than the North Shore’s child population.”
• “Our credit rating will drop so fast, you’ll swear it was wearing rollerblades down Taylor Way.”
• “We’re not raising taxes—we’re curating your lifestyle. Congratulations, you’re now minimalist!”

Political observers warn the strategy is risky. Still, the Premier seemed unfazed. “If you can’t balance the books,” he said with a grin, “you may as well entertain the folks. Laughter is the best medicine—especially when you can’t afford the prescription.”

Once upon a time (okay, 2022), B.C. had a $5.7 billion surplus sitting pretty in its bank account. Premier David Eby looked at this windfall and thought: Why not turn it into the largest deficit in provincial history?

Fast forward three short years and voilà: a projected $11.6 billion deficit. That’s right, in the time it takes for a West Vancouver reno permit to be approved, Eby managed to torch $17.3 billion.

Where did the money go?

Official explanations include “healthcare,” “education,” and “affordable housing.” Unofficial explanations include:

• A bulk Amazon order of traffic cones for Broadway construction.
• A 400-page consultant’s report titled Why Consultants Are Expensive.
• Free yoga retreats for cabinet ministers who needed to “center their deficit energy.”
• Financing one-half of one new SkyTrain station.

Finance Minister Brenda Bailey insists the money was well spent: “Every dollar went to important priorities. Except maybe the Ministry of Vibes—that one kind of got out of hand.” She also admitted that being finance minister is not like playing The Sims. “Turns out, you can’t just click ‘motherlode’ for unlimited money. I checked. Twice. All I got was a stern letter from the Auditor General.”

Economists Weigh In

UBC’s Tom Davidoff suggested raising property taxes: “Honestly, we could just tax people every time they say ‘West Coast lifestyle’ and we’d be back in the black by Christmas.”

Meanwhile, the Business Council of B.C. wants deep cuts to public spending. Their bold proposal? Replace half the civil service with ChatGPT, provided it doesn’t unionize.

Why Does This Matter?

Because five cents of every provincial dollar now goes to paying interest—roughly the same percentage of income Vancouverites spend on oat milk lattes. Credit rating agencies have already downgraded B.C.’s fiscal health from “pretty good” to “ask your parents for rent.”

As for Eby, he maintains everything is under control. “We still have plenty of options,” he said. “We can raise taxes, cut services, or do nothing and just hope nobody notices until after the next election. Honestly, I’m leaning toward option three.”

According to fresh data from BC Stats, children in West and North Vancouver have gone the way of Blockbuster Video and reasonably priced real estate.

The District of North Vancouver now has fewer kids than it did in 2001, while West Van’s child population has been flatter than a day-old LaCroix. The City of North Vancouver, on the other hand, has somehow managed to crank out a few extras — perhaps because someone accidentally left the fertility settings on while building all those micro-condos.

Experts blame high housing costs, low birth rates, and the fact that many West Van residents now consider their Labradoodles their family. “Why would I raise a child when I can just hire a personal trainer?” asked one Dundarave resident.

School districts are scrambling to repurpose underutilized buildings. Proposals include converting gymnasiums into pickleball mega-centres and turning libraries into wine-tasting lounges. Other emergency measures under consideration include:

• Offering special accommodation to traveling youth performance troupes visiting Vancouver, so locals can remember what a bus full of kids looks like.
• Recording the sounds of children playing and blasting them over loudspeakers in public parks to normalize the sounds of kids playing
• Providing a free IVF move-in bonus for families daring enough to settle west of Capilano Road.

Still, some locals remain unfazed. “I pay $30,000 in property tax to avoid children,” admitted a West Bay homeowner.

In response, the District of West Vancouver has announced the creation of a new civic role: Coordinator for Human Reproduction, tasked with “encouraging, facilitating, and, if necessary, scheduling” future generations of residents. The job posting specifies experience in municipal planning, fertility apps. But don’t worry, there is no requirement to have children of your own.

VICTORIA — Premier David Eby has taken his fight against the Temporary Foreign Worker program into strange new territory, leaving behind Starbucks and Boston Pizza to focus on what he calls “the real offenders”: a child’s lemonade stand and a yoga-and-cat café.

At a press conference in Burnaby, Eby held up a crumpled sheet of paper and announced his findings with the gravity of a corruption probe. “Jacob’s Lemonade Stand in North Vancouver apparently applied for a temporary foreign worker to manage supply chains,” Eby said.

He then zeroed in on Kitsilano. “Cheryl’s Yoga & Cat Café wanted to hire an Italian barista because it ‘adds to the vibe.’ Let me be clear: you don’t need a work permit from Rome to steam almond milk while a tabby sits on a mat.”

Asked if he might be overreacting, Eby snapped back: “This is how decline starts — first it’s a lemonade stand, next thing you know, we’re importing experts from Ibiza to run block parties.”

SURREY — What was meant to be a routine school announcement quickly spiraled into a fiery tirade against Canada’s temporary foreign worker (TFW) program, as Premier David Eby blamed it for everything from overflowing homeless shelters to the baffling disappearance of affordable double-doubles.

“We can’t have an immigration system that fills up food banks,” Eby said. “Especially when those food banks are already struggling to keep pace with Vancouver’s artisanal peanut butter demand.”

In a rare moment of alignment with federal Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre, Eby called for the TFW program to be either scrapped or radically overhauled, insisting that B.C.’s youth are ready to reclaim jobs long dismissed as beneath them.

Operation Youth Employment: Eby’s Five-Point Plan

1. Mandatory Teen Farm Gigs — Every 15-year-old to spend summer harvesting blueberries instead of scrolling TikTok.
2. Drive-Thru Provincial Service — High school grads must complete at least six months at Tim Hortons, Starbucks, or Dairy Queen to earn a diploma.
3. Skill Redeployment — First-year arts majors to deliver their handwoven baskets to the fall pumpkin harvest in exchange for course credit. (English majors, mercifully, exempt.)
4. Anti-Fraud Task Force — Immigration consultants caught forging documents to serve hard time running a McDonald’s night shift during hockey playoffs.
5. The Premier’s Pledge — “No British Columbian will ever again be denied the right to juggle three jobs just to afford their rent.”

Critics warn that B.C.’s agriculture, hospitality, and tourism sectors would collapse without foreign workers. Eby brushed this aside with a familiar analogy.

“Our kids may not want to work on farms,” he said, “but they also didn’t want to get vaccinated. We didn’t let vaccine hesitancy get in the way of the jab, and we won’t let farm hesitancy get in the way of the blueberry harvest.”

Meanwhile, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith seized the opportunity, declaring her province will gladly welcome any displaced foreign workers. “They’ll do just fine running our oil sands coffee kiosks,” she said.

KELOWNA — Fresh from declaring Canada will “win the race” to deliver LNG to Asia, Premier David Eby has now turned his sights to an even frostier contest: ensuring British Columbia out-skis Alberta, Colorado, and, if necessary, the entire European Alps.

Meeting with operators from 37 ski hills this week, Eby listened as industry leaders touted $2 billion in visitor spending and record bookings. Then he leaned into the microphone and promised: “British Columbia will win this race. Whether it’s powder, lift lines, or après-ski nacho platters — nobody outperforms us.”

The Premier said Alberta’s attempts to lure skiers back across the Rockies amounted to “a hostile takeover of winter itself.” He noted that while Albertans may have oil money, B.C. has mountains that aren’t flat.

Eby also announced the launch of Operation Ski Dominion, a five-point plan including:

1. Strategic Snow Dumping — artificial snow machines placed on the Alberta border to discourage eastbound traffic.
2. High-Speed Gondolas — faster than any highway, ensuring tourists remain suspended in B.C. airspace for as long as possible.
3. Loyalty Program — free poutine for life if you can prove you didn’t ski in Banff.
4. Emergency Powder Reserves — stockpiles of snow hidden in remote valleys “for when the climate finally calls our bluff.”
5. Eby’s Promise — “Not one snowmaking or snocat machine contract will be outsourced to China.”

Skeptics point out that European resorts like Chamonix or Zermatt still dwarf B.C. operations, but Eby brushed this off: “The French might have fondue, but we’ve got lift tickets that cost more than their rent. That’s how you know we’re world-class.”

WEST VANCOUVER — Last Saturday night, the usually serene docks of the West Vancouver Yacht Club were transformed into what can only be described as the offspring of a Whistler après-ski and a Cancun all-inclusive. The culprits? A theme party featuring the Hair Farmers and a crowd of West Vancouverites determined to prove that ski goggles pair well with flip-flops.

The band cranked out classic rock covers as the dance floor filled with people who looked like they’d just escaped from both Grouse Mountain and a Sandals Resort commercial. “It’s like spring break for people with RRSPs,” said one attendee.

The bar struggled to keep up with orders for both Coronas and shotskis, as servers navigated a minefield of discarded ski poles and inflatable floatation devices.

By midnight, the yacht club resembled a lost-and-found bin: cross country skis, discarded sunglasses, and at least one puffer vest floating near the dock. Locals described it as “a cultural experience,” though no one could clarify exactly which culture.

“Honestly, it was the most West Van thing ever,” said another guest, between sips of rosé. “Where else could you find a roomful of wealthy white people dressed like they just finished heli-skiing off the back of a Caribbean cruise liner?”

Most Metro Vancouver residents with backyard dog houses will have to register their structures by Sept. 15 as part of a new regional bylaw — or risk fines.

The regional district says the initiative, which will apply to most of the area's residents living inside the urban containment boundary, comes as it tries to control “canine-related disturbances,” including late-night barking, roof shingle shedding, and what it calls “odour emissions of an organic nature.”

Metro Vancouver says that poorly built and maintained dog houses are one of the largest single sources of backyard eyesores in the region, which can be a major concern for seniors, infants, and other vulnerable neighbours.

The district said registration is part of a phased approach to reduce “dog house impacts” and comes as part of a bylaw adopted in 2025. Officials clarified that the requirements will not apply to junk yards or homeless encampments, which are classified under the bylaw as “non-regulated environments.”

Julie Saxton, Senior Manager in charge of Metro Vancouver’s Dog House Regulation Program, stated, “The whole purpose of the registration is to understand the scope of the problem and then introduce an appropriate Step Code. The requirements are expected to add 3.45% to the cost of dog house construction.”

“We haven’t been as successful with canine accommodations for a number of years,” she said. “For more than 15 years, in fact, we’ve had voluntary measures in place to try and encourage responsible dog house design and construction. Unfortunately, residents of Metro Vancouver just haven’t gotten the message.”

In a decisive move to preserve the delicate balance of paperwork and parking, District of West Vancouver council has ordered a homeowner to demolish an accessory dwelling unit (ADU) constructed without the proper permits.

Officials stressed the decision was necessary to protect the community from the dangers of one extra rental unit existing outside the established fee structure. Neighbours warned that a single tenant vehicle could push the already fragile cul-de-sac into “Carmageddon,” and staff confirmed the unit, though small, posed an existential risk to the neighbourhood’s parking equilibrium.

The demolition order is being hailed as a win for fairness. “Why should someone get a suite for free,” one resident asked, “when the rest of us paid thousands in development cost charges for the privilege of letting our in-laws stay in town?”

Meanwhile, housing advocates argued that destroying livable space during a housing crisis seemed counterintuitive. Council responded that the move was in fact a bold strategy: by keeping supply low, the District ensures property values remain stratospheric, “protecting West Vancouver’s most vulnerable demographic — people who already own homes.”

Adding ceremonial flair, the mayor is scheduled to attend the demolition in person, flanked by a massive Canadian flag–themed banner proclaiming “Mission Accomplished.” Critics suggested the optics were a touch excessive, but supporters said it sent a clear message: unauthorized housing will not be tolerated, especially when it threatens the sanctity of paperwork.

Demolition crews are expected to begin work next month, provided the homeowner first applies for — and pays for — the required demolition permit.

The District of West Vancouver has announced a new parking fee at Ambleside Beach, promising that the revenue will go toward building an additional parking level through a public-private partnership.

Officials say the new multi-level facility will not only ease the weekend parking crunch but also provide space for “consenting adults to play” while children enjoy the beach and playground above. Early renderings reportedly feature discreet entrances, mood lighting, and a noise-dampening ventilation system designed to “keep the family-friendly atmosphere intact.”

While some residents have grumbled about paying for what used to be free beachside parking, others are calling the plan a bold step in multi-use infrastructure. Local economists estimate the project could double the District’s parking revenue while simultaneously creating the first municipally sanctioned P3 in Canada.

Community response has ranged from bewilderment to cautious enthusiasm. One resident was overheard saying the plan was “weirdly European,” while another shrugged: “At least they’re finally doing something creative with my meter money.”

Construction timelines have yet to be confirmed, but District insiders hinted that the new level could be ready by next summer — just in time for beach season, sunscreen shortages, and a very different kind of line-up at Ambleside.

With thousands of spectators expected along the Sea-to-Sky route, cyclists have started auctioning off ad space on the backs (and fronts) of their biking shorts. Prices range from a modest $50 for a cheeky corner logo to premium “prime real estate” smack dab in the center of the seat pad — guaranteed maximum visibility on every uphill grind.

“It’s win-win,” said local rider Jenna McAllister, who scored a sponsorship from her neighborhood bakery. “They get brand exposure, and I get free cinnamon buns for carb-loading. Honestly, it’s the most delicious endorsement deal I’ve ever signed.”

The peloton is now shaping up to look less like a pro race and more like a moving classified section. Ads spotted in practice rides include “We Do Septic Right,” “Single? Swipe Here →,” and “Tax Season Never Sleeps.” One ambitious chiropractor reportedly paid extra for both cheeks, forming a perfectly symmetrical plug for lower back adjustments.

Event organizers say they’re not officially endorsing “rear-view marketing,” but admit it adds a certain flair to the race. “We just ask that the fonts be legible,” one official said. “There’s nothing worse than squinting at a blurry kale pun going by at 40 km/h.”

As one anonymous racer summed it up between stretches: “If I’m going to suffer through 122 kilometers, my glutes might as well pay for my entry fee. And honestly, this is the most money my butt has ever made.”