North Shore Lately

VICTORIA — Premier David Eby has taken his fight against the Temporary Foreign Worker program into strange new territory, leaving behind Starbucks and Boston Pizza to focus on what he calls “the real offenders”: a child’s lemonade stand and a yoga-and-cat café.

At a press conference in Burnaby, Eby held up a crumpled sheet of paper and announced his findings with the gravity of a corruption probe. “Jacob’s Lemonade Stand in North Vancouver apparently applied for a temporary foreign worker to manage supply chains,” Eby said.

He then zeroed in on Kitsilano. “Cheryl’s Yoga & Cat Café wanted to hire an Italian barista because it ‘adds to the vibe.’ Let me be clear: you don’t need a work permit from Rome to steam almond milk while a tabby sits on a mat.”

Asked if he might be overreacting, Eby snapped back: “This is how decline starts — first it’s a lemonade stand, next thing you know, we’re importing experts from Ibiza to run block parties.”

SURREY — What was meant to be a routine school announcement quickly spiraled into a fiery tirade against Canada’s temporary foreign worker (TFW) program, as Premier David Eby blamed it for everything from overflowing homeless shelters to the baffling disappearance of affordable double-doubles.

“We can’t have an immigration system that fills up food banks,” Eby said. “Especially when those food banks are already struggling to keep pace with Vancouver’s artisanal peanut butter demand.”

In a rare moment of alignment with federal Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre, Eby called for the TFW program to be either scrapped or radically overhauled, insisting that B.C.’s youth are ready to reclaim jobs long dismissed as beneath them.

Operation Youth Employment: Eby’s Five-Point Plan

1. Mandatory Teen Farm Gigs — Every 15-year-old to spend summer harvesting blueberries instead of scrolling TikTok.
2. Drive-Thru Provincial Service — High school grads must complete at least six months at Tim Hortons, Starbucks, or Dairy Queen to earn a diploma.
3. Skill Redeployment — First-year arts majors to deliver their handwoven baskets to the fall pumpkin harvest in exchange for course credit. (English majors, mercifully, exempt.)
4. Anti-Fraud Task Force — Immigration consultants caught forging documents to serve hard time running a McDonald’s night shift during hockey playoffs.
5. The Premier’s Pledge — “No British Columbian will ever again be denied the right to juggle three jobs just to afford their rent.”

Critics warn that B.C.’s agriculture, hospitality, and tourism sectors would collapse without foreign workers. Eby brushed this aside with a familiar analogy.

“Our kids may not want to work on farms,” he said, “but they also didn’t want to get vaccinated. We didn’t let vaccine hesitancy get in the way of the jab, and we won’t let farm hesitancy get in the way of the blueberry harvest.”

Meanwhile, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith seized the opportunity, declaring her province will gladly welcome any displaced foreign workers. “They’ll do just fine running our oil sands coffee kiosks,” she said.

KELOWNA — Fresh from declaring Canada will “win the race” to deliver LNG to Asia, Premier David Eby has now turned his sights to an even frostier contest: ensuring British Columbia out-skis Alberta, Colorado, and, if necessary, the entire European Alps.

Meeting with operators from 37 ski hills this week, Eby listened as industry leaders touted $2 billion in visitor spending and record bookings. Then he leaned into the microphone and promised: “British Columbia will win this race. Whether it’s powder, lift lines, or après-ski nacho platters — nobody outperforms us.”

The Premier said Alberta’s attempts to lure skiers back across the Rockies amounted to “a hostile takeover of winter itself.” He noted that while Albertans may have oil money, B.C. has mountains that aren’t flat.

Eby also announced the launch of Operation Ski Dominion, a five-point plan including:

1. Strategic Snow Dumping — artificial snow machines placed on the Alberta border to discourage eastbound traffic.
2. High-Speed Gondolas — faster than any highway, ensuring tourists remain suspended in B.C. airspace for as long as possible.
3. Loyalty Program — free poutine for life if you can prove you didn’t ski in Banff.
4. Emergency Powder Reserves — stockpiles of snow hidden in remote valleys “for when the climate finally calls our bluff.”
5. Eby’s Promise — “Not one snowmaking or snocat machine contract will be outsourced to China.”

Skeptics point out that European resorts like Chamonix or Zermatt still dwarf B.C. operations, but Eby brushed this off: “The French might have fondue, but we’ve got lift tickets that cost more than their rent. That’s how you know we’re world-class.”

WEST VANCOUVER — Last Saturday night, the usually serene docks of the West Vancouver Yacht Club were transformed into what can only be described as the offspring of a Whistler après-ski and a Cancun all-inclusive. The culprits? A theme party featuring the Hair Farmers and a crowd of West Vancouverites determined to prove that ski goggles pair well with flip-flops.

The band cranked out classic rock covers as the dance floor filled with people who looked like they’d just escaped from both Grouse Mountain and a Sandals Resort commercial. “It’s like spring break for people with RRSPs,” said one attendee.

The bar struggled to keep up with orders for both Coronas and shotskis, as servers navigated a minefield of discarded ski poles and inflatable floatation devices.

By midnight, the yacht club resembled a lost-and-found bin: cross country skis, discarded sunglasses, and at least one puffer vest floating near the dock. Locals described it as “a cultural experience,” though no one could clarify exactly which culture.

“Honestly, it was the most West Van thing ever,” said another guest, between sips of rosé. “Where else could you find a roomful of wealthy white people dressed like they just finished heli-skiing off the back of a Caribbean cruise liner?”

Most Metro Vancouver residents with backyard dog houses will have to register their structures by Sept. 15 as part of a new regional bylaw — or risk fines.

The regional district says the initiative, which will apply to most of the area's residents living inside the urban containment boundary, comes as it tries to control “canine-related disturbances,” including late-night barking, roof shingle shedding, and what it calls “odour emissions of an organic nature.”

Metro Vancouver says that poorly built and maintained dog houses are one of the largest single sources of backyard eyesores in the region, which can be a major concern for seniors, infants, and other vulnerable neighbours.

The district said registration is part of a phased approach to reduce “dog house impacts” and comes as part of a bylaw adopted in 2025. Officials clarified that the requirements will not apply to junk yards or homeless encampments, which are classified under the bylaw as “non-regulated environments.”

Julie Saxton, Senior Manager in charge of Metro Vancouver’s Dog House Regulation Program, stated, “The whole purpose of the registration is to understand the scope of the problem and then introduce an appropriate Step Code. The requirements are expected to add 3.45% to the cost of dog house construction.”

“We haven’t been as successful with canine accommodations for a number of years,” she said. “For more than 15 years, in fact, we’ve had voluntary measures in place to try and encourage responsible dog house design and construction. Unfortunately, residents of Metro Vancouver just haven’t gotten the message.”

In a decisive move to preserve the delicate balance of paperwork and parking, District of West Vancouver council has ordered a homeowner to demolish an accessory dwelling unit (ADU) constructed without the proper permits.

Officials stressed the decision was necessary to protect the community from the dangers of one extra rental unit existing outside the established fee structure. Neighbours warned that a single tenant vehicle could push the already fragile cul-de-sac into “Carmageddon,” and staff confirmed the unit, though small, posed an existential risk to the neighbourhood’s parking equilibrium.

The demolition order is being hailed as a win for fairness. “Why should someone get a suite for free,” one resident asked, “when the rest of us paid thousands in development cost charges for the privilege of letting our in-laws stay in town?”

Meanwhile, housing advocates argued that destroying livable space during a housing crisis seemed counterintuitive. Council responded that the move was in fact a bold strategy: by keeping supply low, the District ensures property values remain stratospheric, “protecting West Vancouver’s most vulnerable demographic — people who already own homes.”

Adding ceremonial flair, the mayor is scheduled to attend the demolition in person, flanked by a massive Canadian flag–themed banner proclaiming “Mission Accomplished.” Critics suggested the optics were a touch excessive, but supporters said it sent a clear message: unauthorized housing will not be tolerated, especially when it threatens the sanctity of paperwork.

Demolition crews are expected to begin work next month, provided the homeowner first applies for — and pays for — the required demolition permit.

The District of West Vancouver has announced a new parking fee at Ambleside Beach, promising that the revenue will go toward building an additional parking level through a public-private partnership.

Officials say the new multi-level facility will not only ease the weekend parking crunch but also provide space for “consenting adults to play” while children enjoy the beach and playground above. Early renderings reportedly feature discreet entrances, mood lighting, and a noise-dampening ventilation system designed to “keep the family-friendly atmosphere intact.”

While some residents have grumbled about paying for what used to be free beachside parking, others are calling the plan a bold step in multi-use infrastructure. Local economists estimate the project could double the District’s parking revenue while simultaneously creating the first municipally sanctioned P3 in Canada.

Community response has ranged from bewilderment to cautious enthusiasm. One resident was overheard saying the plan was “weirdly European,” while another shrugged: “At least they’re finally doing something creative with my meter money.”

Construction timelines have yet to be confirmed, but District insiders hinted that the new level could be ready by next summer — just in time for beach season, sunscreen shortages, and a very different kind of line-up at Ambleside.

With thousands of spectators expected along the Sea-to-Sky route, cyclists have started auctioning off ad space on the backs (and fronts) of their biking shorts. Prices range from a modest $50 for a cheeky corner logo to premium “prime real estate” smack dab in the center of the seat pad — guaranteed maximum visibility on every uphill grind.

“It’s win-win,” said local rider Jenna McAllister, who scored a sponsorship from her neighborhood bakery. “They get brand exposure, and I get free cinnamon buns for carb-loading. Honestly, it’s the most delicious endorsement deal I’ve ever signed.”

The peloton is now shaping up to look less like a pro race and more like a moving classified section. Ads spotted in practice rides include “We Do Septic Right,” “Single? Swipe Here →,” and “Tax Season Never Sleeps.” One ambitious chiropractor reportedly paid extra for both cheeks, forming a perfectly symmetrical plug for lower back adjustments.

Event organizers say they’re not officially endorsing “rear-view marketing,” but admit it adds a certain flair to the race. “We just ask that the fonts be legible,” one official said. “There’s nothing worse than squinting at a blurry kale pun going by at 40 km/h.”

As one anonymous racer summed it up between stretches: “If I’m going to suffer through 122 kilometers, my glutes might as well pay for my entry fee. And honestly, this is the most money my butt has ever made.”